Aliens

I am an alien in a foreign land.  I am a crocodile among alligators (pardon the Family Guy reference).  I am...

... a single woman in the Church.

You may laugh, but I have found it to be a real issue.  I am now 28 years-old.  I am a high school teacher.  I have never been married, nor do I have children.  Where do I fit?

College groups are focused on just that: college.  Young men and women are taught how to avoid the pitfalls and temptations found at many schools of higher education.  They play ultimate frisbee and sport "True Love Waits" rings while searching for THE ONE that God will bring into their lives.  As I enter my late twenties, I find that I cannot connect with these groups.  Our focuses, our desires, and our interests are different.  I have nothing against college groups, but they are no longer for me.  I know that many churches have started 20-somethings groups, rather than college groups.  I like this idea very much.  Unfortunately, there is not a group like this at the church I attend.

I've tried many women's groups at different churches to no avail.  I sit in silence while these lovely women discuss their husbands and children.  I listen as they encourage each other in ways to put their husbands first and be more patient with their children.  Again, I have nothing against women's groups, but I cannot contribute to them.

Many churches have started singles groups: this is a step in the right direction.  I am blessed to be at a church that recognizes this need.  I have gone to this group twice, and each time, I was the youngest person there by at least twenty years.  I am glad that older singles have a chance to mingle and mix and be, but I don't seem to fit there, either.

Singles can't catch a break listening to Christian radio, either.  Most of the DJs are married, and they share cute stories about their children's antics and sweet anecdotes of what their husbands do for anniversaries and birthdays.  They promote "Authentic Marriage" week and "Love Your Spouse" week.  People call in about how the music they play has revolutionized their marriage.  In all my years of listening to Christian radio, I have heard one song by an unmarried person about waiting for God's best.  The song wasn't even that good!

I am not just talking about a desire to "find a man".  I am talking about a genuine connection with people of both genders.  Being my age and coming from a small town (not to mention a Bible college), most of the people I know are married and/or having children.  I'm very happy for them, but it's not like we can go to movies on a whim or go out for dinner on a Tuesday night (when there are teacher discounts!).  Babysitters must be acquired.  Early curfews are an absolute must.  Being home to spend time with the hubby after a hard day at work is much more desirable than going to a crowded restaurant or coffee shop.  It's not impossible to be friends with married women, but our priorities are different.

And, although it's not my focus, there is the issue of the male gender.  I would love to be married and having children, but it doesn't seem to be in the cards right now.  I have also found that I know very few unmarried Christian men.  In fact, I know one.  The dating pool is not very large.

Authentic Christian men are extraordinarily hard to find.  I have tried different dating sites - including the one that is the go-to site for Christians.  I had a couple of guys who wanted to marry me after two weeks, which was completely scary and crazy.  You can't possibly be ready to spend the rest of your life with someone after filling out a couple questionnaires and exchanging pleasantries via email.  The others I met had expectations of me not in line with Biblical standards.  How can you say you desire a godly woman and then expect her to have sex with you after 1-2 dates?  I swear I'm not exaggerating!

I know this seems like a giant list of complaints, but I honestly don't mean it to be.  I am genuinely concerned about this problem in the Church.  I cannot be the only single woman in her late twenties left in America.  I attend a church with a large and diverse congregation, so why was I the only young woman at the singles group?  Why are marriage and family the only topics discussed when Christian women get together?  Why is it that, when the Church does speak to and about single people, it's only in reference to preparing for marriage?

I realize that none of these things are done intentionally, but I feel alienated.  I feel cut off and alone.  If the Church doesn't step up and address these issues, I'm afraid we will lose an entire generation of people like me: people who are so tired of not knowing where we belong.  The Church is supposed to be a place of welcome and refuge and safety.  Instead, I tune out every time there's another sermon about marriage.  I feel that singleness is treated like a disease that must be cured by marriage.  We have gifts, talents, and insights to offer.  We're not asking to be set-up; we want to be accepted as the single people we are and find our place in the Body of Christ.

Through the Valley of Shadow and Death

It has been a long time since I last posted.  Since my last post, I've graduated from college, accepted a teaching position at a high school, and been on a turbulent roller coaster of emotions.  I've experienced dizzying highs and abysmal lows.  My heart has quickened with the feelings of love and devotion and has broken when they were taken away.  Over the past few months, I have loved, lost, rejoiced, and wept.  And God has been there through it all.

I do not always act the way I should.  I have failed when faced with temptation.  I sometimes - even with the best intentions - hurt those I love.  As much as I'd love to be the perfect Christian example, I often meet with disaster in spectacular fashion.

Sometimes I let the guilt and grief overwhelm me.  The darts of the enemy find their way underneath my armor and pierce my heart until I am almost conquered.  It is at these times that I must cling tightly to what I know is true.  It is now when I must hold fast, even when it appears that there is nothing to which I can hold.

I know that God is never angry at me.  His love and goodness inundate me and engulf me during my darkest moments.  It is when I fall that He shows Himself more powerful and present in my life than I could ever possibly imagine.  It is when I am at my weakest that He is at His strongest.  When I have nothing left, He replenishes me.

I once opened a fortune cookie to find in it the phrase, "The usefulness of a cup is found only in its emptiness."  It became the phrase that has illustrated my past few months so perfectly.  When everything is going well, I tend to fall into the trap of feeling self-sufficient.  I do not depend upon my heavenly Father as much as I need to.  Inevitably, something goes wrong, and I fall apart.

Please hear my heart: I am not saying that God caused these things to happen in my life to make me realize how much I need Him.  Any situation that pained me was a natural consequence to choices I made, but God never abandoned me.  In fact, I believe that He kept me from completely ruining myself, although I couldn't see it at the time.  I now can see His faithfulness evident in everything I experienced.  In every tear, in every throb of my aching heart, He was surrounding me with His love, peace, and comfort.  He moved my friends to action - praying for me and helping me stand when I could not on my own.  He is and always has been more than I could ever need or want.

Now I empty myself.  I empty myself of the guilt and the shame for which He has already forgiven me.  Once again, I surrender myself to God.  I cede my plans to my Father who only has the best in mind for me.  I embrace His nature, His love, and His design.  I may have to walk this road for a time, and I know there will be opportunities for me to fail again, but I have to keep walking.  Every day is a choice: a choice to do things God's way rather than my own.  I've experienced my way, and it's not worth it.  So I'll just keep walking.

God's Daughters: Eve, Part 2 - The Promise

Even as God meted out punishment for Adam and Eve's sin, He provided them with a hope for the future. Before God pronounced the consequences of their sin, He turned to the deceiver. In Genesis 3:15, God says to the serpent, "And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel."

Many biblical scholars believe that this was a prophecy about the coming Messiah - God's plan to redeem humanity. I don't think that anything we do surprises God. He knew that Judas was the one who would betray Him, but Jesus still washed the traitor's feet. I haven't found any Bible story in which God was stumped by something. He must have known that the humans He had created would esteem a serpent's advice above His loving guidelines. Instead of leaving them in their sin, God already had a plan in mind. He knew that He would one day send His own Son to suffer and die - to pay the price for humanity's sin - and to defeat the enemy once and for all.

God's incredible mercy is so amazing to me. Eve had sinned. Period. And yet, before her judgment was given, Eve knew it was through her line that salvation would come. She had given into the serpent's temptation, but her offspring would one day resist the serpent and crush his head. Her offspring would provide a more secure salvation - one dependent upon His perfect nature and not fragile humanity.

Adam and Eve's relationship with God was balanced upon a point: if they stayed away from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, they were safe. They had one rule to obey. It may seem easy to us, but anyone who has ever spent time with children knows that the forbidden is always an attractive option. In my babysitting adventures, I've learned never to tell a child to stay away from something. The moment your back is turned, he is on the move. Some people might ask, "If God didn't want them to disobey, why did He put that tree in the Garden?" I would counter with this question: is it really free will if you don't have a choice? God wanted a relationship with living, moving, breathing beings - not mindless robots. We had to be able to choose whether or not we desired that relationship.

When Jesus paid the price for our sin, He removed the barrier that existed between humans and God. The legacy of sin that began with Eve's mistake was ended with Jesus' sacrifice. Our salvation became based upon His death and resurrection rather than anything that we could ever do. Mistakes can never again alter our standing with God.

In the meantime, Eve had to face the consequences for her sin. I'm sure many of us know what those consequences were. I want to look at what happens next...

In Genesis 3: 20, Adam went back to doing what he had been told to do: naming all of creation. He gave Eve her title. If you'll notice, she had never been referred to by name until that point. "Eve" is actually the feminine form of the Hebrew word for "life." They had just experienced spiritual death (separation from God), and it had basically been Eve's fault. Yet, her husband still gave her a moniker that means "life."

Eve is also the first person on record to use the name of God. In Dr. Friedman's translation of Genesis 4:1, she gives birth to a son and says, "I've created a man with YHWH." Eve knew that she and God had worked together to produce this miracle. Clearly, she still felt an intimate link with her Creator.

Despite her circumstances, Eve's love for her Father never changed. She must have known that all was not lost. The one who had led her astray was not going to be allowed to reign over her children forever. Her loving God could bring good out of the mess she had made. Of course, we know how it turns out.

We all feel alone and abandoned sometimes. There are moments when we think that God is distant. Imagine how Eve must have been feeling, but she didn't let it beat her. This daughter of God kept pressing in - cultivating a precious connection with God that would sustain her through numerous hardships.

Whatever you are facing in your life, I encourage you to do the same. Don't let the mistakes of your past determine the course of your life. You are never far away from Him - just turn around, and there He is. Let your heavenly Father wash away the sting of what has happened and refresh you in His glorious light.

Friedman, Richard E. (2001). Commentary on the Torah with a New English Translation and the Hebrew Text. New York: HarperCollins Publishers.

God's Daughters: Eve, Part 1 - The Fall

I’m sure many of us are familiar with the story of Adam and Eve. Even if we aren't religious, we know the story inside and out. Adam was alone, God created Eve, Eve sinned, Adam sinned, women are cursed, the end. That’s that, right?

This story has been the justification for the mistreatment of women for years. There are those who believe that because Eve tempted Adam to sin, all women are inferior, weak, and easily overcome. Some cite this account as the beginning of misogynistic tendencies in the Christian Church.

I wish I could say that these allegations of misconduct toward women are invalid, but I cannot. What I can say is that I know this was never God's plan. I believe that the abuse and the manipulation of His daughters hurt God more than it could ever hurt us. I know how much my earthly father loves me and how angry he would be if anyone hurt me, and I can't help but see my heavenly Father reflected in that.

Eve messed up. There's no denying that fact, but maybe we can shed some light on this situation. In my last post in this "series" (God's Daughters: The First Woman), I left off just after the creation of woman. I want to pick up right there.

In Genesis 3, Satan, in the guise of a snake, approaches the woman. Now, why did he approach the woman first? I have actually heard it postulated that, because the woman is the "weaker vessel", Satan found her an easier target than the man.

I don't buy that for a second.

The first thing the snake said was, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'" (Genesis 3:1)? This question is very revealing in a couple of ways. Most importantly, it was a challenge to Eve. What he was really asking was, "Is God so unjust that He won't let you eat any of this delicious-looking fruit?" It was not a fair question, since God had said in the previous chapter that they could eat of the fruit of all the trees of the Garden except one. Secondly, it was phrased negatively - has God said you may not eat. God's original statement was phrased positively - you may eat. Satan's phrasing would immediately make one question the will and the affection of God.

As a loving daughter, Eve tried to defend her Father: "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die'" (Genesis 3:2, 3). In her retort, Eve misquoted God. God never said that Adam and Eve could not touch the fruit. In fact, according to the Biblical account, Eve hadn't been created when God gave this particular command. Eve had received her information from Adam. We don't know if Adam told Eve she shouldn't touch the fruit. Perhaps he said that to her in order to ensure her protection, or maybe it was simply a miscommunication. Whatever it was, it caused a major problem, and I believe that the enemy knew it. He knew that Eve had not been given this directive first-hand, so he could manipulate the information to his benefit. It had nothing to do with Eve's physical, emotional, and spiritual strength.

Satan responded by saying, "You will not surely die... For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil" (Genesis 3:4, 5). We know what happened next: Eve's eyes were taken off the right path, and she was directed toward doing what she knew to be wrong. Then, she took the fruit. As soon as she touched it and didn't die, Eve must have felt that God was lying to her. She ate the fruit.

Satan was incredibly cunning. Not only did he question what God had said, he caused Eve to question her very identity. He told her that by eating the fruit, she would be like God. Eve had already been created in God's image. She couldn't become any more like God.

One of the questions that comes to mind when pondering these things is... what was Adam doing while his wife was thus tempted? In Genesis 3:6, we find the answer: "When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it" (emphasis mine). Adam - who had heard God's original command - didn't step in to correct the serpent's sly accusations. Adam didn't protect his wife when her existence was being attacked, and he didn't stop Eve from eating the fruit. This was a monumental failure on his part, and I believe that we have seen the consequences of Adam's inaction in the attitudes and lifestyles of men today. (That's a completely separate topic, however, and I will not address it here.)

Adam fails again when God confronts the couple about their sin. Instead of taking responsibility for his own actions, Adam says, "The woman you put here with me - she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it" (Genesis 3:12). Not only does Adam place blame on Eve, he subtly charges God with responsibility for his sin because God's creation had tempted him. I'm sure it must have been a rocky point in Adam and Eve's marriage.

God did not address this issue at that moment. Instead, He turned to Eve and asked for her version of the story. Eve told the truth: "The serpent deceived me, and I ate" (Genesis 3:13). She accepted the consequences of her actions, and she watched as an immovable barrier was constructed between her and her loving Creator.

Yes, Eve had sinned. She had messed up, erred, blundered, but she hadn't ruined everything. Neither had her husband - her partner in crime. There was hope on the horizon, and God loved His children too much to let them go that easily.

Sex Talk

Sometimes I find that I can have the deepest and most honest conversations with people who don't necessarily agree with me. If we come together with mutual respect, we can offer discussion points about divisive topics without actually being divisive. These kinds of friends are invaluable. Hold on to them!

If you read my last blog, you know that I'm going through a difficult time in my relationship with God. I was struggling with what I have always believed and wondering if I still truly believe it. It's a scary thing to be feeling because I have invested so much of my life in my relationship with God.

I was recently talking with a very dear friend of mine, and a subject arose about which we have differing views: premarital sex. Now, I'm not going to lie and say that I never think about sex. I'm a 26-year-old virgin; of course I think about sex! It's almost impossible not to. We live in a culture in which sex is commonplace. In fact, if you haven't lost your virginity by the age of sixteen, you're considered almost alien. It was amazing, though, how much I learned during our conversation. When I was confronted with someone who felt differently about the situation, I realized how important the topic is to me.

I once attended a party, and my friends were standing around criticizing anyone who was unrealistic enough to try and wait to have sex until marriage. I raised my hand and said, "That would be me!" I remember the awkward and disbelieving looks I received. The host of the party actually called me later to apologize because he felt so awful that my lifestyle choice had received such judgment.

Most of my friends are not Christians. This does not bother me at all. In fact, I cherish their unique viewpoints, and I love the avenues God has opened for me with them. However, it can be difficult to maintain my beliefs when I'm being encouraged on every side to disregard them. I even found myself changing my responses to their questions. Instead of "I want to wait until marriage," it became "I hope I can wait until marriage." Please know that this did not happen right away. It was a gradual wearing away of my defenses. In fact, I was shocked when I first heard myself saying it aloud.

I began to think that maybe I shouldn't wait. After all, I know many married couples who had sex before they were married, and they turned out all right. Maybe I could really consider it if I found someone who I truly loved but wasn't ready to marry. The world has changed, and perhaps I need to change with it. And then I talked to a married woman who hadn't waited. Years later, she still regrets it - not because there was something wrong with her marriage, but because she hurt her heavenly Father. For years, she lived in fear that her daughter would ask her that question: "Did you and Daddy wait?" I don't want to live with that fear. I want to be able to say to my future children, "We did things God's way, and it was worth it."

We live in a world that treats sex as though it is casual. We are inundated with explicit images when we walk through a mall, turn on a television, or go to a movie theater. Even reading the covers of magazines in the grocery store check-out line can cause our minds to be transported to the intimacy of the bedroom.

Author Rob Bell maintains that there are two central attitudes toward sexuality: animals and angels. The animal attitude suggests that we have primal cravings that cannot be denied or helped, so they should be acted upon without hesitation. To the people who think this way, sex is basic biology and pure instinct. On the angel side of it are those people who completely deny the fact that they are sexual beings with desires and urges. Bell says, "Denying and stuffing and repressing never work because it's a failure to acknowledge what is central to being a human being." Both are out of balance with how God intended sexuality to be.

The fact is that humans are different from every other creature in existence. We discuss differences between right and wrong, we can make moral decisions, and we are romantic and idealistic. In the wild, you never see a duck heartbroken over the fact that her boyfriend didn't call after engaging in romantic relations. We are unique because we were created in the image of God Himself.

One of the problems is that we lack a reverence for the very fact that we are created in the image of the living God. We treat our bodies as if they're nothing special, forgetting that God lovingly crafted us from the dust of the earth - shaping, forming, and molding us into a form that was pleasing to Him. In 1 Corinthians 6:19, 20, the apostle Paul writes, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body."

I don't know how much you know about the Bible, but the Jewish temple was a holy place. Only a select few could get past the outer courts and into the place where the manifest presence of God resided. There were intricate ceremonies and rites that had to be performed so that the priest who entered God's presence would not be struck down. Thankfully, we don't have to do this anymore. Jesus' sacrifice on the Cross enabled us to come before the Lord anytime we like. However, to compare our bodies to such a holy place is a huge deal.

Only a few verses before, Paul had said, "'Everything is permissible for me' - but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible for me' - but I will not be mastered by anything" (1 Corinthians 6:12). If everything is permissible, then what's wrong with giving into our sexual urges? The point is that God may not withhold blessings from us because we have sex outside of marriage, but it doesn't mean that it's what He wants for us.

I love what Jason Evert wrote in his book, If You Really Loved Me: "Just because a person is capable of physical intimacy, it does not mean that he or she is capable of the other kinds of intimacy that hold a marriage together. Because sex has the power to bond, the experience may seem wonderful in the initial stages of a relationship and both partners will feel quite 'compatible.' But think about a couple you know who has been married for fifty years. They are sitting there on the front porch swing, smiling with all their wrinkles at each other. Do you think it is because they are so sexually compatible? They are still together because they have been refined by the fires of love, not burnt by the counterfeits of lust."

I understand that not everyone is going to agree with me. Whether you do or not, I hope that you come to view sex as more than just an incidental connection. I know that I desire God's best for my life. I'm willing to put my own desires on hold so that I can fulfill God's plan. According to 1 Corinthians 13, love is not self-seeking. When I do have sex, it won't be because I'm looking for self-gratification because I can't control my inclinations any longer. I'm holding out for something that is infinitely better: authentic love based upon self-sacrifice, mutual respect and admiration, and a sense of connection that goes deeper than just the physical.





Works used:

Bell, Rob. (2007). Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections Between Sexuality and Spirituality. Michigan: Zondervan.

Evert, Jason. (2004). If You Really Loved Me. California: Catholic Answers, Inc.

Confession

When I created this blog, I resolved to be as honest as I possibly could about my walk with God. In the interest of being completely transparent, I must confess something: I'm struggling.

One thing I hear over and over from my friends is that I am very put together. I project an image of total confidence, and everyone thinks I have it all figured out.

I don't.

If you've been reading my blog for any period of time, you probably know that I've been feeling like I'm in a waiting room. I would keep saying, "I choose to trust You, I choose to love You, I choose to serve You." Well, I got frustrated. I got tired. And I got impatient.

Sometimes I feel like my life has been almost nothing but trying times. I know that I'm blessed beyond measure with my family, but I've also seen my family struggle financially for my entire life. I know that God heals, and yet my sister has had severe knee problems for years. I know that God has good plans for me, but I'm a 26-year-old undergrad who still doesn't know what I want to be when I grow up.

And that's when I begin to sound like a child throwing a tantrum. Things in my life aren't going my way? I think I'll be angry at God for it. There are so many people worse off than I am, so why am I complaining?

I don't believe this invalidates what I feel. Someone else may be walking through much more difficult circumstances, but that doesn't mean that my feelings are not authentic. And I know - even in the midst of my childishness - that God still cares about what I'm feeling.

My dog is very sick. She has a large tumor on her underbelly that just keeps growing. When I left my house yesterday, she could barely even walk because of it. My heart broke for her, and I just sat in my car sobbing. I love my dog, and I can't do a thing to help her. My family doesn't have the money for an operation to save her.

As I wept in my car, I began to think about my love for my dog. She's been a part of my family for a long time, and she's been a sweet and loyal pet. But that's what she is: a pet. As much as I love her, I could never care for her as I care for my siblings and friends. And yet, if I had the means, nothing would stop me from saving her. If I love my dog that much, how much more does my heavenly Father love me?

In Matthew 7:9-11, Jesus says, "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

God crafted humanity from the very dust. He gave His only Son to suffer and die just so that He didn't have to live without me. He has blessed me with an extraordinary family and a collection of friends I cherish. Obviously, He loves me more than I could possibly imagine. What is there in me that still doubts?

Unfortunately, living on this earth won't always be easy. We are reminded over and over that a relationship with God doesn't make life any easier. It just gets harder. It gets harder, but it gets richer. Lamentations 3:22-24 says, "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.'"

So I must resign myself to wait... again.

Once again, I have to choose. I still choose to trust and love and serve, and "I will take refuge in the shadow of Your wings until the disaster has passed" (Psalm 57:1b). It will pass, and I'll come out of this stronger and more sure of my relationship with God than ever. Even though I can't see the end result right now, He can. I will wait.

God's Daughters: The Creation of Woman

The world wasn't perfect to begin with.

When God created the world, He saw that everything He had created - everything He had breathed and spoken into existence - was good. And yet, something was amiss in this new, unblemished universe. There was only one thing that gave Him displeasure: the human He had formed with His own hands was alone.

The very first problem.

We all know this story. Next, God brought before Adam all the creatures that had been made. Adam was given the task of naming them all, but none were found to be a suitable partner for him. I don't believe that this was ignorance or innocence on God's part. He knew that He alone could create a match for Adam. I believe that Adam needed to realize this.

At this point in many translations, God says something about creating a helper for Adam. I love Dr. Friedman's translation: "And YHWH God said, 'It's not good for the human to be by himself. I'll make for him a strength corresponding to him'" (emphasis mine).

This completely changes the way we look at the first woman. She wasn't created just to be a servant to the man. She was created to be a strength to him. Please understand what I'm saying: I am not forgetting that we are called to serve each other in Christ. I am simply trying to combat those who have downplayed woman's role. A woman is not a maid, meant to be at the beck and call of her husband. She has a unique role to play that cannot and should not be disdained.

Adam had to realize that there was nothing else on earth that could fill that longing for companionship. No matter how much apes may resemble us, Adam knew that he could not lend his strength to (i.e. perform husbandly duties) and, in turn, be strengthened by such a creature. (For the record, I don't have anything against apes.)

Eve was God's final handiwork in the formation process. She was the grand finale and the culmination of creation. John MacArthur says this: "Adam was refined dirt; Eve was a glorious refinement of humanity itself." God had made for Adam exactly what he needed and wanted.

I want to point out that God did not just create Eve for Adam. God knew that Adam alone could not represent God's image. God is not a man, so how could one man do justice to God's image? Our heavenly Father knew that femininity was also needed to complete the picture. I would suggest that God knew all along that He needed two humans to embody His image on earth, so He created Adam for Eve and Eve for Adam.

It is important to note that men and women are created differently but not unequally. From the beginning, our roles have been designed to complement each other. This has been an issue of contention since the dawn of humanity. God recognized the need for both masculinity and femininity. Neither was meant to dominate the other. I'm sure you've all heard the old saying - God took woman from man's side, not to rule over him or to be under his rule, but to walk beside him and be his partner. Our differences should emphasize the fact that we need to work together.

Men were created as physically stronger beings. Some women take great offense to this, but it is true in most of the world. I would ask this question: Do you think Adam was longing for someone exactly like himself? Or do you think he was pleased by her feminine curves, the hair cascading down her back, and those softly batting eyelashes? (This is not intended to be a discussion on homosexuality, so please don't take it as such - that's a different issue altogether.) Men and women each represent a part of God's image. Women may not have the same form as men, but we have different strengths.

I love what John MacArthur says on this subject: "Feminism has devalued and defamed femininity. Natural gender distinctions are usually downplayed, dismissed, despised, or denied. As a result, women are now being sent into combat situations, subjected to grueling physical labor once reserved for men, exposed to all kinds of indignities in the workplace, and otherwise encouraged to act and talk like men. Meanwhile, modern feminists heap scorn on women who want family and household to be their first priorities - disparaging the role of motherhood, the one calling that is most uniquely and exclusively feminine. The whole message of feminist egalitarianism is that there is really nothing extraordinary about women."

This attitude that women must act like men in order to be "equal" downplays the very creation of women in the first place. Our differences are okay. Women should celebrate the fact that we are different from men rather than despising it. When a woman chooses to stay at home, why do we call her just a housewife? I'm not saying that women shouldn't work or that women who choose to work are unfit mothers. I just want to put things in perspective. We are not men. We are women. Let's revel in our femininity, ladies!

There are several books I would love to recommend if you are curious about this subject. Lisa Bevere has wonderful books about the roles of women and femininity. Fight Like a Girl, Nurture, and Lioness Arising are all worthy reads, and Lisa speaks much more eloquently on the subject than I ever could. I also love John MacArthur's book, Twelve Extraordinary Women, which tells the stories of some of the exceptional women of God featured in His word.



Works used:

Friedman, Richard E. (2001). Commentary on the Torah with a New English Translation and the Hebrew Text. New York: HarperCollins Publishers.

MacArthur, John. (2005). Twelve Extraordinary Women. Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson, Inc.

God's Daughters: The First Commandment

There is a popular television show that follows a polygamist family. There is one husband with four wives and many children. They are completely unapologetic and find it disturbing that a federal court case may be brought against them (a little naive, I feel). As much as I hate to admit it, I find the show terribly fascinating. It's an interesting look into the ways different people think, act, and practice religion. However, I can never agree with their lifestyle.

But why not?

There are plenty of examples of polygamist marriages in the Bible. What is it about them that makes us squeamish? In a culture where marriage is no longer sacred (the divorce rate is truly astonishing), does it really matter?

Yes, it does.

In my last post, I mentioned that I had found a version of the Torah, translated and commentated upon by a Jewish scholar. I particularly like his translation of Genesis 1:26, 27. In the NIV, these verses are translated as, "Then God said, 'Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.' So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them" (emphasis mine). The changing pronouns make these verses a little confusing, don't they?

Friedman's translation makes these verses a great deal clearer: "And God said, 'Let us make a human, in our image, according to our likeness, and let them dominate the fish of the sea and the birds of the skies and the domestic animals and all the earth and all the creeping things that creep on the earth.' And God created the human in His image. He created it in the image of God; He created them male and female" (emphasis mine).

According to Dr. Friedman, it is not until the formation of woman in Genesis 2:23 that the actual word for "man" is used. Until that point, they are simply "humans". This gives us a vastly different perspective on the creation of human existence. First of all, God never intended to simply create "man". He created humans in His image - both male and female. Together, both sexes represent God as neither one could do on its own.

This tells me that neither one should dominate over the other. In a polygamist marriage, everything is focused around the man. He is the center of everything. All the women subject themselves to him and crave his affection and attention. This was never as God intended. Neither part of God's image should vie for control and domination over the other.

In verse 28, God gives the first recorded commandment: "And God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and dominate the fish of the sea and the birds of the skies and every animal that creeps on the earth.'" The part I want to concentrate on is "Be fruitful and multiply."

If God thought that polygamist marriages were the best way to fulfill the first commandment, then why didn't He set up that example to begin with? Couldn't he have created one more woman? (I don't think I need to explain biologically why a husband with two wives would be able to fill the earth much more quickly than a woman with two husbands. If you don't understand that part, perhaps you should complain to your high school biology teacher.)

The only possible answer is that polygamy was never God's best for His creation. He intended marriage to stay between one man and one woman. How then were polygamist marriages allowed and even blessed? Jacob is named in the Bible as one of the fathers of the Jewish faith, but he had two wives. David had more than one wife, and he was called a man after God's own heart.

I don't believe God ever condoned this, but I don't believe He could fault them for it. His very first recorded commandment was to fill the earth. If these people were fulfilling this commandment, how could they be punished for it? I believe that God didn't like it, but He put up with it. It was never His best plan for his sons and daughters. This is my personal opinion, however, and you must search it out for yourselves in the Scriptures.

A polygamist marriage is damaging to everyone involved. First of all, it diminishes the importance of the woman in the relationship. She is also a part of God's image and should be treated as such. Her role cannot be duplicated. We see this in the contention between Rachel and Leah. Rachel was loved, and Leah was not, and it created jealousy between the sisters. Second of all, the man's interests are divided. When he must partition his love and time between different families (not to mention his business pursuits), how can he truly be a good, present, and focused father and husband? Third of all, it is hard on any children that are produced from these unions. Where does their loyalty lie? Their father has sex with someone besides their mother (to be perfectly blunt), and they must accept this other woman into their lives without question. Do they submit to her as to their mother? Do they disregard her completely?

In the Scriptures, we see God caring for those daughters who were caught in polygamist marriages. When Sarah demanded that Abraham put out Hagar and her son, God heard Hagar's cry for help and made her prosperous. God opened Leah's womb so that she could experience love in her life. In fact, it is from Leah's line that we receive our salvation.

These are such great examples of how God demonstrated His love for daughters living in a male-centric society, but what about today? Why doesn't He still accept polygamy?

Well, to begin with, we have fulfilled the first commandment. The earth is filled and subdued. There is no doubt that humans are at the top of the food chain. It's also important to note that in many countries like the United States, polygamist marriages are illegal. In Romans 13, Paul exhorts Christians to follow the laws of the land: "Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God" (NIV).

Whether you agree with me or not, I hope that you research these things for yourself. Issues like this have created tension in the Body of Christ for years. Women have suffered under men who believe that they are the rulers of the home. I am simply trying to put these misused and abused Scriptures in a new light.


Works used:

Friedman, Richard E. (2001). Commentary on the Torah with a New English Translation and the Hebrew Text. New York: HarperCollins Publishers.

God's Daughters: The Beginning

Many people in history have twisted Scripture to fit their own ideas - perverse or otherwise. Salem, Massachusetts in 1692 is a prime illustration of this fact. Twenty people were killed because of a feared association with witchcraft. We've recently seen an example of this in the news with the supposed "Rapture" on May 21, 2011. There is nothing that people are more willing to believe than the Bible, even if it's merely someone's interpretation. And Scripture has been used, time and time again, to abuse and mistreat women.

In my opinion, this is one of the greatest injustices blamed on God's Word, but I can see how it can be confusing. There are many instances in the Bible in which women seem to matter less and be valued less than men. Those who tyrannize women use verses like I Peter 3:7 (wherein women are described as the weaker vessels) to justify their mistreatment of the women in their lives.

I have always felt that this is a gross misinterpretation of God's love, but I never knew how I could prove it. I was in a bookstore a year ago when I came across a version of the Torah that included commentary by a Jewish scholar. It suddenly dawned on me: how could I possibly comprehend a book that wasn't written for me!

Now, before everyone complains that the Bible is for all believers at all times (which I know!), let me clarify. The Old Testament was penned by Jewish men for the people of Israel. Although God knew that it would one day become the definitive book for Jesus-followers, those men didn't. It is full of the history, culture, and traditions of the Jewish people. How can I understand that with my thoroughly modern, Western mindset? This scholar would have much more insight into the Jewish culture than I ever could.

That day, I began a journey of discovery that still continues. I don't know how many people read this blog, but I'd like to share my findings with you. I can't promise you that I'll understand everything in the Bible. I can't promise that everything I say will be correct. And I can't promise that everything I say is from the Lord. I can only give you my opinions, thoughts, and views.

This is the beginning of a series I'd like to call "God's Daughters."

The Waiting Room

Have you ever seen West Side Story? There's a great scene in which Tony is sure that something good and exciting is just around the corner. He sings about it in a tune entitled, "Something's Coming". Maybe it's down the block or on a beach. Maybe he can reach it by holding still. Tony doesn't know what it is, but he knows it will change his life.

And it does.

This feeling started coming upon me about a year ago. There was a change in the wind, a shift in the current. Suddenly I knew that my life was going to change. If you had asked me what was coming, I couldn't have told you - I still can't tell you, but I know it's there, just out of reach.

When I first had this feeling of expectation, I assumed it would come immediately. I kept waiting for something extraordinary to happen. I waited... and waited... and waited... and waited some more.

Zilch.

Nada.

Nothing.

I began to think that maybe I had been wrong about the impending transition, but now I don't think I was.

God never wastes a single moment we give Him. He is always at work in our lives, even when we can't sense it. I am convinced that this anticipation of change is simply God preparing me for the next step. I'm in the "waiting room".

Waiting rooms are always the most boring places on earth. You fill out the same papers every single visit (shouldn't they have some of those still on file?), you thumb through month-old magazines, and you try to keep away from the person with the racking cough in the chair next to you. No one ever does anything actually productive. They are waiting. And they are stagnant.

There's a wonderful song by John Waller called "While I'm Waiting". This song is so relevant to where I am right now in my life because waiting periods should not be stagnant periods. This waiting period is a time for me to serve, worship, love, and trust Him. Every second of this time is precious. It is time to commune with my Savior and learn more and more about Him and what He wants for my life.

The waiting times can seem like the toughest times. As the feeling of preparation builds within me, I think that it should be visible in the world around me. Sometimes I feel as though I'm walking through hip-high snow drifts, and I would much rather give up and build snowmen than trample out a path. I don't even know how close I am to the end of the waiting! And then there are those who give the cliched response, "God's timing is perfect." I just want to punch them. I KNOW!

However, I don't know when I've been more dependent on Him. I choose to trust and to be patient because I desire His will above anything else. My mantra has become, "I choose to trust You. I choose to serve You. I choose to love You." I mutter this every day, several times a day. Some days I say it more often than others.

When I adopted this attitude, my eyes were opened to how God is using me in the waiting room. I have established relationships with people from different backgrounds, different faiths, and different lifestyles, and I cherish these friendships. In this waiting period, I have had the opportunity to sing for the President of the United States. That's kind of a big deal!

I have no idea what God has next for me. It could be teaching, or grad school, or (dare I say it?) marriage. Whatever may come, I choose to make this time one of absolute dependency upon the Lord. I choose to use this time to strengthen my relationship with Him. I choose not to be stagnant. I choose to trust Him. I choose to serve Him. I choose to love Him.

I may need to say it again in a few minutes.

Growing

Growth is an interesting concept. Tiny seeds grow to become mighty trees. Young children grow to become adults with goals, dreams, and ideals. My journey of growth hasn't been very different from others' paths.

I was a child once. I began to form innocent fancies and thoughts about my future. Of course, when you're young, everything is a fairy tale. I just knew that someday I would be a famous singer and that I would be swept off my feet by a handsome prince. These were certainties.

As I grew, my visions for the future changed; my desires changed. I no longer desired to be a famous singer. Instead, I wanted to use my talents for the Lord. I wanted to attend a Christian university and major in Music Ministry. I still knew that Prince Charming was just around the corner. These were certainties.

As I went through various levels of school and life, my dreams and goals kept evolving. With each step I took, the rest of my future shifted. And I began to realize something: there are no certainties in life. I am almost twenty-six years old. I'm still working on my undergraduate degree, I'm single, and my life doesn't look like I thought it would.

When I was young, I could have sworn that my life would follow the plan I had prescribed. It's twenty years later, and I still have no clue where my life is headed. The one thing that has remained constant in my life is my desire to serve God with everything I have.

I may not have a clear picture of what the next step is, but He does. He always has. When I have strayed from His plan, He has never once thrown up His hands in despair. God doesn't get frustrated with my inept wanderings. As much as I have changed, He never has.

My relationship with God has never been stagnant. Even when I have been sullen and unrepentant, it has been a part of the growing process. It is always changing, always growing, and always important. This is a certainty.

Les Miserables

Tonight, I watched "Les Miserables in Concert" for the umpteenth time, and, once again, I was overwhelmed by the story and the music. If you have never seen it, I encourage you to do so. It features an outstanding cast of singers/performers, and the music is beyond expressing. It is the story, though, that touches my heart again and again. It is an incredible tale of redemption, but there are two characters who steal the show: Jean Valjean and Javert. These men truly illustrate the differences between relationship and religion.

Jean Valjean grows up poor and ends up going to jail for stealing food for his starving family. Javert (born in prison to a jailed prostitute) is the self-righteous constable who imprisons Valjean. When Valjean is released from prison and put on parole, he finds himself at the house of a priest who feeds, clothes, and shelters him. During the night, Valjean steals the priest's silver and flees. He is brought back by two officers of the law, but the priest insists he gave Valjean the silver and sends the officers on their way. The priest informs Valjean that he has bought his soul for God.

This moment of mercy changes Valjean's life forever. The priest had the power to send him back to prison. He had every right to send him back to prison. And yet, he let Valjean go. It is in this moment that Valjean sees the darkness of his heart, but he also sees the depths of God's forgiveness. He breaks his parole and goes on the run. He eventually adopts a false identity, becomes mayor of a small town, and owns a factory that employs hundreds of workers. Javert spends all his years chasing Valjean.

There are many similarities between the two men: both are born into extreme poverty, both rise to greatness and wealth, and both develop a deep faith in God. That is where the similarities stop.

Jean Valjean's life became a blessing to others. He was concerned about his employees in a time when the poor were not valued. He showed kindness to a sick prostitute by housing her, caring for her, and adopting her child. He refused to let an innocent man go to prison in his stead, although it would have been the easier route. He knew that his life was not his own, and he gave all glory to God.

Javert, who had lived a "righteous" life before God, used his religion as a weapon. He bullied those he saw as sinful, and he refused to believe that a man like Valjean could change. He had all the benefits of living a good life without enjoying any of the richness.

The ending of their lives is very interesting. Jean Valjean holds Javert's life in his hands, but he lets him go. Here was the man who had made his life hell - he had chased him for years without end, but, instead, he offers him forgiveness and lets him go. Javert is in shock. These are the words he sings in his disbelief*:

Who is this man?
What sort of devil is he
To have me caught in a trap
And choose to let me go free?
It was his hour at last
To put a seal on my fate
Wipe out the past
And wash me clean off the slate!
All it would take
Was a flick of his knife
Vengeance was his
And he gave me back my life!

Damned if I'll live in the debt of a thief!
Damned if I'll yield at the end of the chase.
I am the Law, and the Law is not mocked
I'll spit his pity right back in his face
There is nothing on earth that we share
It is either Valjean or Javert!

How can I now allow this man
To hold dominion over me?
This desperate man whom I have hunted
He gave me my life. He gave me freedom.
I should have perished by his hand
It was his right.
It was my right to die as well
Instead I live... but live in hell.

And my thoughts fly apart
Can this man be believed?
Shall his sins be forgiven?
Shall his crimes be reprieved?

And must I now begin to doubt,
Who never doubted all these years?
My heart is stone and still it trembles
The world I have known is lost in shadow.
Is he from heaven or from hell?
And does he know
That granting me my life today
This man has killed me even so?

I am reaching, but I fall
And the stars are black and cold
As I stare into the void
Of a world that cannot hold
I'll escape now from the world
From the world of Jean Valjean
There is nowhere I can turn
There is no way to go on...

Javert had lived so long dependent upon his own righteousness. He may have acknowledged God, but he never accepted the all-encompassing love of God. He couldn't live in a world where sinful people could be forgiven. Javert committed suicide. It is the story of the Pharisees told a little differently. Valjean recognized the wretchedness of his life, and the redemptive power of Jesus came alive to him all the more. Javert, who saw himself as righteous, was judgmental and rigid.

At the end of his long life, with his daughter and her husband beside him, Jean Valjean sings*:

Take my hand
And lead me to salvation
Take my love
For love is everlasting
And remember
The truth that once was spoken
To love another person
Is to see the face of God.

Javert, who had lived a life of boasting and judgment, left this world in anguish. Jean Valjean, who had lived a life devoted to serving God and loving his fellow man, left this world in peace, walking hand in hand with his Savior.

*The lyrics and music from "Les Miserables" are not mine. They belong to Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schonberg respectively.

The Power of Nurture

Anyone who knows me is aware of the fact that I adore Lisa Bevere and constantly draw inspiration from her books. I was astonished by Fight Like A Girl and touched by Nurture. I remember attending the Desperation conference at New Life Church one year and hearing her speak for the first time. I was so enriched, encouraged, and refreshed by the message she related. I knew she lived in Colorado Springs and occasionally shopped at the Whole Foods where I was employed. In one of my prayer times, I asked God for the opportunity to meet her and thank her for speaking into my life. Two days later, my prayer was answered.

She approached the meat counter (yes, I worked in the meat department), and my heart leapt within me. I timidly asked, "Excuse me, but are you Lisa Bevere?" She smiled at me warmly, and I was able to tell her how she had changed my perspective and my faith walk. I'm not sure if I was entirely articulate and coherent, but she was friendly and kind, and I appreciated her patience.

Fight Like A Girl awakened in me a desire to embrace my femininity in a way I had never considered. I learned that God created men and women to be different, and those differences should be celebrated rather than despised. Society tells us that we have to act like men in order to be successful, but the whole world is groaning in anticipation for the day when we become what God created us to be. It is a lesson I have never forgotten.

Nurture, Lisa's most recent book, caused me to long for motherhood almost painfully. Thankfully, God revealed to me that I don't have to bear children biologically in order to be a nurturer. I can choose to create an environment of nurture around me now while I am single and in the future when I have a family of my own.

While reading this incredible book, I was able to see a new movie called "Letters to Juliet". As you know, I am a sucker for chick flicks, so I was very excited to see it. I went to see it three times while it was still in theaters... maybe I was a tad bit obsessive, but it was one scene in the movie that kept me coming back.

The movie is about a girl vacationing in Verona, Italy with her fiance. As her fiance abandons her over and over, choosing to engage in business rather than their relationship, she explores the rich city in which she finds herself. She visits the famed house of Juliet, the heroine of Shakespeare's tragedy, where lovers from all around the world leave messages for Juliet. At the end of the day, the messages are taken down and read by a group called Juliet's Secretaries. This extraordinary collection of women read and answer the messages; giving comfort to the heartbroken, encouragement to the hopeful, and advice to the seekers.

While becoming acquainted with Juliet's Secretaries, the main character Sophie finds a fifty-year-old letter from a woman who did not have the courage to disobey her parents and elope with the love of her life. Sophie writes to the woman, Claire, and becomes entrenched in a beautiful love story. They travel about the countryside together, searching for the man Claire lost so long ago.

After one disappointing day, Claire's grandson berates Sophie, telling her that she doesn't know anything about real loss. Sophie doesn't respond to him, but the audience knows that Sophie's mother left her when she was very young. Claire knows it too, and she goes to comfort Sophie later that evening.

Claire enters Sophie's hotel room and doesn't say much. She comes behind Sophie and takes a hairbrush into her wrinkled hands. "One of the great joys in life is having one's hair brushed," she tells Sophie. No more words are exchanged during the scene. It is quiet and gentle... and I sat there watching it with tears streaming down my cheeks.

It was a sweet and simple moment in the movie and probably not very consequential to most of the movie-goers, but it was the scene that kept me coming back for more. It so clearly demonstrated the concept of nurturing: Claire was a nurturer to that motherless girl, and it was intensely beautiful.

I love how God puts things together. I read a book about the power of being a nurturer, and a clear example is put in front of me - by Hollywood no less! Although I don't have children or a husband, I can be a nurturer to the people God has placed in my path.

The Whole Message

A few years ago, I attended Bible college. My goal in going was to equip myself to be able to preach the Word and tell people about Christ. The relationships I made while there have deeply impacted me, and I'm so thankful for the awesome people who have spoken into my life. However, my experiences there were not all good.

The Bible college I attended was heavily focused on living in the blessings of God. There is not anything inherently wrong in that. I do believe that God wants to bless us, but the teaching was so out of balance with the word of God.

The president of the college told us that many of the students left the school more prosperous than when they came. We were told that, if we sowed money into God's work, we would receive a rich harvest in return. If we reap what we sow, then sowing money means we reap more money, right? I was excited about the things of God and immediately accepted whatever I was told. I gave into every offering that was received and tithed on every cent I earned. And I ended up not being able to pay my rent.

The message wasn't limited to money. God's grace and the freedom we have in Him was also a key message. "God loves you! He loves you, He loves you, He loves you, and there's nothing you can do about it!" Again, this is not wrong! We can never out-sin God's grace and love, but this message was not balanced, and it was taken to the extreme. I remember when a guest speaker lectured on ethics in ministry. One of my fellow students was outraged. He wanted to know how these "rules" fit in with the "grace" of God. We had been so focused on the grace of God that we had forgotten what it means to live for Him.

I left Bible college feeling destroyed. My life didn't look like what I thought it was supposed to. I wasn't prosperous (financially). I was being spiritually attacked on all sides. Where were the blessings I was supposed to receive? Why couldn't anything in my life come easily? Most of my friends were being blessed with amazing job offers and living lives that I envied. I was ready to walk away from God, and, for a time, I did.

Because what I was learning was so one-sided, I could not explain what was happening in my life. I felt lost and alone, and I was not properly equipped to handle my circumstances. I wasn't even sure I could talk to my fellow students because I was scared they would think that there was something wrong with my faith.

Now, please hear my heart: I am not putting the blame on my teachers. Most of them are sincere, wonderful men and women of God who live what they teach. Part of the problem was that I too readily believed everything that was taught without studying the Scriptures for myself.

John 16:33 says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (emphasis mine). In this verse, Jesus promises that we will experience troubles in this world. Being a Christian does not mean we get to live an easy life. In fact, living for God is often more difficult that living a secular life because there is an enemy who desperately wants to stop us.

God's grace doesn't give us a license to sin. The standard of grace is actually higher than the standard of the law. For instance, the Old Testament law says, "You shall not commit adultery" (Exodus 20:14), but Jesus informs us that "Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). It is God's grace that empowers us to live a life devoted to Him.

When I focused on the "prosperity" message, I overlooked all the blessings God had so richly poured into my life. When I focused on the "grace" message, I allowed sinful thoughts to enter my mind because I knew that God's grace covered my sin. I was "focusing" myself right into a hardened and ungrateful heart. The message taught wasn't necessarily wrong; it was only one part of the truth.

We cannot just pick and choose what we want to believe in the Bible. Either it is all true, or it is all false. We cannot accept the grace of God and abandon the fear (awe, respect) of God. God does want us to be blessed, but being so intent upon financial blessing to the exclusion of everything else is wrong.

I'm still wading through the aftermath of my time at the Bible college. I'm still hurting from some of the lessons I learned, but I'm working on it. I'm learning to study the Scriptures for myself and find the truth that is embedded in every single word. I'm beginning to let go of the bitterness and anger I have felt for three years toward the college, and I am starting to remember all the amazing things I experienced there.

God is so good to me. He was able to take a wreck of a human being and transform her into a real, whole person. As we used to say at Bible college, "I may not have arrived at my final destination, but at least I've left the air strip!"

Who Wants to be a Pharisee?

This evening, I was listening to a sermon about Jesus and the Pharisees. I've heard that kind of sermon so many times: the Pharisees followed all the rules but missed the spirit behind the rules. Sound familiar? I'd heard it all before. Don't get me wrong - I love the pastor and greatly respect him. I appreciate his point of view and regularly find nuggets of wisdom within his messages. This hearing of the age-old message was no exception.

To the rest of the world, the Pharisees looked great. They had the respect of everyone around them. They appeared to be in close fellowship with the Almighty God... and yet, they missed the most important part. They missed the coming of their Savior, the Messiah.

I began to think of my own life. To others, I'm sure I look great - just like the Pharisees. I don't talk badly about people behind their backs. I don't use swear words. I'm waiting to have sex until marriage. I go to church, and I respect my parents. On the outside, I look good! However, I know my heart. I know the things I think. I know the hidden things that come to mind when no one else can hear and see them.

I want to be completely transparent in this blog, and that's why I'm saying these things to you. Yes, I have cherished anger and unforgiveness. Yes, I have had lustful thoughts. I have let bad thoughts fester in my heart until they almost made me sick. Underneath this seemingly "good" exterior, I have had dark thoughts and feelings.

It would be so easy for me to become prideful in my "outside" life, and, believe me, it's happened! I get so many compliments from other people about what a strong Christian I am and how pure of heart I am. Sometimes I let it go to my head. In fact, it was hard for me to be transparent enough to type out the things I have struggled with. Do you see how much I value my image?

God knows all this about me. He knows every thought that passes through my mind. Nothing in my heart is hidden from Him. He couldn't care less about my outward appearance. And yet, He chooses to forgive me. No matter what I do, I cannot out-sin His grace and love. He loves me even in my sinfulness.

God's love is overwhelming. I know exactly what goes on in my heart, and that makes Christ's love come alive to me all the more. God loves me no matter what, but He also loves me too much to let me reside in my sinfulness.

The truth is, no one wants to be a Pharisee. No one makes a conscious choice to project an image over possessing a pure heart before God. Or, at least, I've never met anyone who does. I don't want to miss something that God is doing because I'm so focused on making myself look good.

For the past few months, I have been on a mission to root out and destroy the things that darken my heart. Although I still have a long way to go, the journey has begun. I know that the path will not be easy, and I will experience stumbles and falls along the way (how cliche does that sound?), but I also know that I desire a close relationship with God more than anything else. I don't want to be a Pharisee.

Chick Flick Thoughts

Right now, I'm watching "27 Dresses" with Katherine Heigl. It's a cute movie - fluffy with very little substance. I love romantic comedies, so, of course, I adore it. There are few "chick flicks" I don't love, in fact, and I'm not ashamed to admit it! (Hides abashed face behind hands.)

For those of you who haven't seen it, the movie is about a woman who has been a bridesmaid twenty-seven times. Her collection of hideous dresses is astonishing and her compliant attitude almost unbelievable. She is everyone's dream bridesmaid. However, her dream of being a bride is delayed, and she pines over a man who does not return her affection.

In some ways, the plot is startlingly like my own. I'm twenty-five. I love weddings and children, and I desire to get married someday. Yes, I am the stereotypical Christian girl. (Side note: is it weird that I still consider myself a "girl" and not a woman?)

My friends who are my age are all getting married and having children, and it can be challenging to still be single. I identify with Jane's (Katherine Heigl's character) frustration when her younger sister plans to be married before Jane even has the chance. Although none of my sisters are on the wedding track yet (thank goodness, they're all too young), I can imagine that one of them might easily experience matrimonial bliss before I do.

During the rehearsal dinner, Jane is approached by a well-meaning, sympathetic family member. The older woman says to Jane, "It must be so hard to watch your younger sister get married before you."

Jane's reply? "Yes. Then I remember I still get to have hot hate sex with random strangers, and I feel so much better!"

We as the audience laugh at her response. I've felt her anger! I've been lectured by family members about how I need to hang out around the medical students or engineering students in order to "nab" a man. Sometimes it's tempting to lash out, and I know I haven't always been polite about it. But her reply makes me think.

Our culture has made sex so inconsequential. We make flippant comments like that and instantly demean the incredible and sacred gift God created. Yes, God did create sex. He created it as a gift for married couples to share to bring them closer, to provide pleasure, and to bring forth life. Our world has perverted what was once pure and beautiful.

It may be difficult to wait, but I want God's best for my life. Random liaisons with strangers would rob me of God's best, and I'm not willing to give that up! Maybe God's best for me is to never get married. Of course, I hope that is not the outcome, but single Christian women have to be able to think about it. We have to be able to say, "God, I will choose Your best plan for my life, even if it means I relinquish my dreams. I choose to trust my future to Your hands, and I will love You even if it means I never get to see this hope come to fruition."

Hot hate sex is not an option for me.

The Beginning

My adorable friend Gaby suggested I start a blog. I wasn't sure why at first. I kept thinking, "Who on earth would want to read my thoughts?" But maybe it doesn't have to be for anyone else. Maybe it could just be for me.

I started thinking about the things in my life I am passionate about: God, family, friends, music, and rainy days. My growing relationship with God is especially important to me, and I want to tell the whole world about it. Maybe a blog is a good way to start doing that. Who knows where this thing could go?

Maybe no one will ever read it. Maybe a few people will. The point is that I'm putting my thoughts out there. Not all of them are going to be "right". Not all of them will be politically correct. Some of these thoughts and fancies of mine might change and evolve and grow over time. But some of them are firm within my heart and will never fade or erode or change.

So here goes...