... a single woman in the Church.
You may laugh, but I have found it to be a real issue. I am now 28 years-old. I am a high school teacher. I have never been married, nor do I have children. Where do I fit?
College groups are focused on just that: college. Young men and women are taught how to avoid the pitfalls and temptations found at many schools of higher education. They play ultimate frisbee and sport "True Love Waits" rings while searching for THE ONE that God will bring into their lives. As I enter my late twenties, I find that I cannot connect with these groups. Our focuses, our desires, and our interests are different. I have nothing against college groups, but they are no longer for me. I know that many churches have started 20-somethings groups, rather than college groups. I like this idea very much. Unfortunately, there is not a group like this at the church I attend.
I've tried many women's groups at different churches to no avail. I sit in silence while these lovely women discuss their husbands and children. I listen as they encourage each other in ways to put their husbands first and be more patient with their children. Again, I have nothing against women's groups, but I cannot contribute to them.
Many churches have started singles groups: this is a step in the right direction. I am blessed to be at a church that recognizes this need. I have gone to this group twice, and each time, I was the youngest person there by at least twenty years. I am glad that older singles have a chance to mingle and mix and be, but I don't seem to fit there, either.
Singles can't catch a break listening to Christian radio, either. Most of the DJs are married, and they share cute stories about their children's antics and sweet anecdotes of what their husbands do for anniversaries and birthdays. They promote "Authentic Marriage" week and "Love Your Spouse" week. People call in about how the music they play has revolutionized their marriage. In all my years of listening to Christian radio, I have heard one song by an unmarried person about waiting for God's best. The song wasn't even that good!
I am not just talking about a desire to "find a man". I am talking about a genuine connection with people of both genders. Being my age and coming from a small town (not to mention a Bible college), most of the people I know are married and/or having children. I'm very happy for them, but it's not like we can go to movies on a whim or go out for dinner on a Tuesday night (when there are teacher discounts!). Babysitters must be acquired. Early curfews are an absolute must. Being home to spend time with the hubby after a hard day at work is much more desirable than going to a crowded restaurant or coffee shop. It's not impossible to be friends with married women, but our priorities are different.
And, although it's not my focus, there is the issue of the male gender. I would love to be married and having children, but it doesn't seem to be in the cards right now. I have also found that I know very few unmarried Christian men. In fact, I know one. The dating pool is not very large.
Authentic Christian men are extraordinarily hard to find. I have tried different dating sites - including the one that is the go-to site for Christians. I had a couple of guys who wanted to marry me after two weeks, which was completely scary and crazy. You can't possibly be ready to spend the rest of your life with someone after filling out a couple questionnaires and exchanging pleasantries via email. The others I met had expectations of me not in line with Biblical standards. How can you say you desire a godly woman and then expect her to have sex with you after 1-2 dates? I swear I'm not exaggerating!
I know this seems like a giant list of complaints, but I honestly don't mean it to be. I am genuinely concerned about this problem in the Church. I cannot be the only single woman in her late twenties left in America. I attend a church with a large and diverse congregation, so why was I the only young woman at the singles group? Why are marriage and family the only topics discussed when Christian women get together? Why is it that, when the Church does speak to and about single people, it's only in reference to preparing for marriage?
I realize that none of these things are done intentionally, but I feel alienated. I feel cut off and alone. If the Church doesn't step up and address these issues, I'm afraid we will lose an entire generation of people like me: people who are so tired of not knowing where we belong. The Church is supposed to be a place of welcome and refuge and safety. Instead, I tune out every time there's another sermon about marriage. I feel that singleness is treated like a disease that must be cured by marriage. We have gifts, talents, and insights to offer. We're not asking to be set-up; we want to be accepted as the single people we are and find our place in the Body of Christ.
