Les Miserables

Tonight, I watched "Les Miserables in Concert" for the umpteenth time, and, once again, I was overwhelmed by the story and the music. If you have never seen it, I encourage you to do so. It features an outstanding cast of singers/performers, and the music is beyond expressing. It is the story, though, that touches my heart again and again. It is an incredible tale of redemption, but there are two characters who steal the show: Jean Valjean and Javert. These men truly illustrate the differences between relationship and religion.

Jean Valjean grows up poor and ends up going to jail for stealing food for his starving family. Javert (born in prison to a jailed prostitute) is the self-righteous constable who imprisons Valjean. When Valjean is released from prison and put on parole, he finds himself at the house of a priest who feeds, clothes, and shelters him. During the night, Valjean steals the priest's silver and flees. He is brought back by two officers of the law, but the priest insists he gave Valjean the silver and sends the officers on their way. The priest informs Valjean that he has bought his soul for God.

This moment of mercy changes Valjean's life forever. The priest had the power to send him back to prison. He had every right to send him back to prison. And yet, he let Valjean go. It is in this moment that Valjean sees the darkness of his heart, but he also sees the depths of God's forgiveness. He breaks his parole and goes on the run. He eventually adopts a false identity, becomes mayor of a small town, and owns a factory that employs hundreds of workers. Javert spends all his years chasing Valjean.

There are many similarities between the two men: both are born into extreme poverty, both rise to greatness and wealth, and both develop a deep faith in God. That is where the similarities stop.

Jean Valjean's life became a blessing to others. He was concerned about his employees in a time when the poor were not valued. He showed kindness to a sick prostitute by housing her, caring for her, and adopting her child. He refused to let an innocent man go to prison in his stead, although it would have been the easier route. He knew that his life was not his own, and he gave all glory to God.

Javert, who had lived a "righteous" life before God, used his religion as a weapon. He bullied those he saw as sinful, and he refused to believe that a man like Valjean could change. He had all the benefits of living a good life without enjoying any of the richness.

The ending of their lives is very interesting. Jean Valjean holds Javert's life in his hands, but he lets him go. Here was the man who had made his life hell - he had chased him for years without end, but, instead, he offers him forgiveness and lets him go. Javert is in shock. These are the words he sings in his disbelief*:

Who is this man?
What sort of devil is he
To have me caught in a trap
And choose to let me go free?
It was his hour at last
To put a seal on my fate
Wipe out the past
And wash me clean off the slate!
All it would take
Was a flick of his knife
Vengeance was his
And he gave me back my life!

Damned if I'll live in the debt of a thief!
Damned if I'll yield at the end of the chase.
I am the Law, and the Law is not mocked
I'll spit his pity right back in his face
There is nothing on earth that we share
It is either Valjean or Javert!

How can I now allow this man
To hold dominion over me?
This desperate man whom I have hunted
He gave me my life. He gave me freedom.
I should have perished by his hand
It was his right.
It was my right to die as well
Instead I live... but live in hell.

And my thoughts fly apart
Can this man be believed?
Shall his sins be forgiven?
Shall his crimes be reprieved?

And must I now begin to doubt,
Who never doubted all these years?
My heart is stone and still it trembles
The world I have known is lost in shadow.
Is he from heaven or from hell?
And does he know
That granting me my life today
This man has killed me even so?

I am reaching, but I fall
And the stars are black and cold
As I stare into the void
Of a world that cannot hold
I'll escape now from the world
From the world of Jean Valjean
There is nowhere I can turn
There is no way to go on...

Javert had lived so long dependent upon his own righteousness. He may have acknowledged God, but he never accepted the all-encompassing love of God. He couldn't live in a world where sinful people could be forgiven. Javert committed suicide. It is the story of the Pharisees told a little differently. Valjean recognized the wretchedness of his life, and the redemptive power of Jesus came alive to him all the more. Javert, who saw himself as righteous, was judgmental and rigid.

At the end of his long life, with his daughter and her husband beside him, Jean Valjean sings*:

Take my hand
And lead me to salvation
Take my love
For love is everlasting
And remember
The truth that once was spoken
To love another person
Is to see the face of God.

Javert, who had lived a life of boasting and judgment, left this world in anguish. Jean Valjean, who had lived a life devoted to serving God and loving his fellow man, left this world in peace, walking hand in hand with his Savior.

*The lyrics and music from "Les Miserables" are not mine. They belong to Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schonberg respectively.

The Power of Nurture

Anyone who knows me is aware of the fact that I adore Lisa Bevere and constantly draw inspiration from her books. I was astonished by Fight Like A Girl and touched by Nurture. I remember attending the Desperation conference at New Life Church one year and hearing her speak for the first time. I was so enriched, encouraged, and refreshed by the message she related. I knew she lived in Colorado Springs and occasionally shopped at the Whole Foods where I was employed. In one of my prayer times, I asked God for the opportunity to meet her and thank her for speaking into my life. Two days later, my prayer was answered.

She approached the meat counter (yes, I worked in the meat department), and my heart leapt within me. I timidly asked, "Excuse me, but are you Lisa Bevere?" She smiled at me warmly, and I was able to tell her how she had changed my perspective and my faith walk. I'm not sure if I was entirely articulate and coherent, but she was friendly and kind, and I appreciated her patience.

Fight Like A Girl awakened in me a desire to embrace my femininity in a way I had never considered. I learned that God created men and women to be different, and those differences should be celebrated rather than despised. Society tells us that we have to act like men in order to be successful, but the whole world is groaning in anticipation for the day when we become what God created us to be. It is a lesson I have never forgotten.

Nurture, Lisa's most recent book, caused me to long for motherhood almost painfully. Thankfully, God revealed to me that I don't have to bear children biologically in order to be a nurturer. I can choose to create an environment of nurture around me now while I am single and in the future when I have a family of my own.

While reading this incredible book, I was able to see a new movie called "Letters to Juliet". As you know, I am a sucker for chick flicks, so I was very excited to see it. I went to see it three times while it was still in theaters... maybe I was a tad bit obsessive, but it was one scene in the movie that kept me coming back.

The movie is about a girl vacationing in Verona, Italy with her fiance. As her fiance abandons her over and over, choosing to engage in business rather than their relationship, she explores the rich city in which she finds herself. She visits the famed house of Juliet, the heroine of Shakespeare's tragedy, where lovers from all around the world leave messages for Juliet. At the end of the day, the messages are taken down and read by a group called Juliet's Secretaries. This extraordinary collection of women read and answer the messages; giving comfort to the heartbroken, encouragement to the hopeful, and advice to the seekers.

While becoming acquainted with Juliet's Secretaries, the main character Sophie finds a fifty-year-old letter from a woman who did not have the courage to disobey her parents and elope with the love of her life. Sophie writes to the woman, Claire, and becomes entrenched in a beautiful love story. They travel about the countryside together, searching for the man Claire lost so long ago.

After one disappointing day, Claire's grandson berates Sophie, telling her that she doesn't know anything about real loss. Sophie doesn't respond to him, but the audience knows that Sophie's mother left her when she was very young. Claire knows it too, and she goes to comfort Sophie later that evening.

Claire enters Sophie's hotel room and doesn't say much. She comes behind Sophie and takes a hairbrush into her wrinkled hands. "One of the great joys in life is having one's hair brushed," she tells Sophie. No more words are exchanged during the scene. It is quiet and gentle... and I sat there watching it with tears streaming down my cheeks.

It was a sweet and simple moment in the movie and probably not very consequential to most of the movie-goers, but it was the scene that kept me coming back for more. It so clearly demonstrated the concept of nurturing: Claire was a nurturer to that motherless girl, and it was intensely beautiful.

I love how God puts things together. I read a book about the power of being a nurturer, and a clear example is put in front of me - by Hollywood no less! Although I don't have children or a husband, I can be a nurturer to the people God has placed in my path.

The Whole Message

A few years ago, I attended Bible college. My goal in going was to equip myself to be able to preach the Word and tell people about Christ. The relationships I made while there have deeply impacted me, and I'm so thankful for the awesome people who have spoken into my life. However, my experiences there were not all good.

The Bible college I attended was heavily focused on living in the blessings of God. There is not anything inherently wrong in that. I do believe that God wants to bless us, but the teaching was so out of balance with the word of God.

The president of the college told us that many of the students left the school more prosperous than when they came. We were told that, if we sowed money into God's work, we would receive a rich harvest in return. If we reap what we sow, then sowing money means we reap more money, right? I was excited about the things of God and immediately accepted whatever I was told. I gave into every offering that was received and tithed on every cent I earned. And I ended up not being able to pay my rent.

The message wasn't limited to money. God's grace and the freedom we have in Him was also a key message. "God loves you! He loves you, He loves you, He loves you, and there's nothing you can do about it!" Again, this is not wrong! We can never out-sin God's grace and love, but this message was not balanced, and it was taken to the extreme. I remember when a guest speaker lectured on ethics in ministry. One of my fellow students was outraged. He wanted to know how these "rules" fit in with the "grace" of God. We had been so focused on the grace of God that we had forgotten what it means to live for Him.

I left Bible college feeling destroyed. My life didn't look like what I thought it was supposed to. I wasn't prosperous (financially). I was being spiritually attacked on all sides. Where were the blessings I was supposed to receive? Why couldn't anything in my life come easily? Most of my friends were being blessed with amazing job offers and living lives that I envied. I was ready to walk away from God, and, for a time, I did.

Because what I was learning was so one-sided, I could not explain what was happening in my life. I felt lost and alone, and I was not properly equipped to handle my circumstances. I wasn't even sure I could talk to my fellow students because I was scared they would think that there was something wrong with my faith.

Now, please hear my heart: I am not putting the blame on my teachers. Most of them are sincere, wonderful men and women of God who live what they teach. Part of the problem was that I too readily believed everything that was taught without studying the Scriptures for myself.

John 16:33 says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (emphasis mine). In this verse, Jesus promises that we will experience troubles in this world. Being a Christian does not mean we get to live an easy life. In fact, living for God is often more difficult that living a secular life because there is an enemy who desperately wants to stop us.

God's grace doesn't give us a license to sin. The standard of grace is actually higher than the standard of the law. For instance, the Old Testament law says, "You shall not commit adultery" (Exodus 20:14), but Jesus informs us that "Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). It is God's grace that empowers us to live a life devoted to Him.

When I focused on the "prosperity" message, I overlooked all the blessings God had so richly poured into my life. When I focused on the "grace" message, I allowed sinful thoughts to enter my mind because I knew that God's grace covered my sin. I was "focusing" myself right into a hardened and ungrateful heart. The message taught wasn't necessarily wrong; it was only one part of the truth.

We cannot just pick and choose what we want to believe in the Bible. Either it is all true, or it is all false. We cannot accept the grace of God and abandon the fear (awe, respect) of God. God does want us to be blessed, but being so intent upon financial blessing to the exclusion of everything else is wrong.

I'm still wading through the aftermath of my time at the Bible college. I'm still hurting from some of the lessons I learned, but I'm working on it. I'm learning to study the Scriptures for myself and find the truth that is embedded in every single word. I'm beginning to let go of the bitterness and anger I have felt for three years toward the college, and I am starting to remember all the amazing things I experienced there.

God is so good to me. He was able to take a wreck of a human being and transform her into a real, whole person. As we used to say at Bible college, "I may not have arrived at my final destination, but at least I've left the air strip!"

Who Wants to be a Pharisee?

This evening, I was listening to a sermon about Jesus and the Pharisees. I've heard that kind of sermon so many times: the Pharisees followed all the rules but missed the spirit behind the rules. Sound familiar? I'd heard it all before. Don't get me wrong - I love the pastor and greatly respect him. I appreciate his point of view and regularly find nuggets of wisdom within his messages. This hearing of the age-old message was no exception.

To the rest of the world, the Pharisees looked great. They had the respect of everyone around them. They appeared to be in close fellowship with the Almighty God... and yet, they missed the most important part. They missed the coming of their Savior, the Messiah.

I began to think of my own life. To others, I'm sure I look great - just like the Pharisees. I don't talk badly about people behind their backs. I don't use swear words. I'm waiting to have sex until marriage. I go to church, and I respect my parents. On the outside, I look good! However, I know my heart. I know the things I think. I know the hidden things that come to mind when no one else can hear and see them.

I want to be completely transparent in this blog, and that's why I'm saying these things to you. Yes, I have cherished anger and unforgiveness. Yes, I have had lustful thoughts. I have let bad thoughts fester in my heart until they almost made me sick. Underneath this seemingly "good" exterior, I have had dark thoughts and feelings.

It would be so easy for me to become prideful in my "outside" life, and, believe me, it's happened! I get so many compliments from other people about what a strong Christian I am and how pure of heart I am. Sometimes I let it go to my head. In fact, it was hard for me to be transparent enough to type out the things I have struggled with. Do you see how much I value my image?

God knows all this about me. He knows every thought that passes through my mind. Nothing in my heart is hidden from Him. He couldn't care less about my outward appearance. And yet, He chooses to forgive me. No matter what I do, I cannot out-sin His grace and love. He loves me even in my sinfulness.

God's love is overwhelming. I know exactly what goes on in my heart, and that makes Christ's love come alive to me all the more. God loves me no matter what, but He also loves me too much to let me reside in my sinfulness.

The truth is, no one wants to be a Pharisee. No one makes a conscious choice to project an image over possessing a pure heart before God. Or, at least, I've never met anyone who does. I don't want to miss something that God is doing because I'm so focused on making myself look good.

For the past few months, I have been on a mission to root out and destroy the things that darken my heart. Although I still have a long way to go, the journey has begun. I know that the path will not be easy, and I will experience stumbles and falls along the way (how cliche does that sound?), but I also know that I desire a close relationship with God more than anything else. I don't want to be a Pharisee.

Chick Flick Thoughts

Right now, I'm watching "27 Dresses" with Katherine Heigl. It's a cute movie - fluffy with very little substance. I love romantic comedies, so, of course, I adore it. There are few "chick flicks" I don't love, in fact, and I'm not ashamed to admit it! (Hides abashed face behind hands.)

For those of you who haven't seen it, the movie is about a woman who has been a bridesmaid twenty-seven times. Her collection of hideous dresses is astonishing and her compliant attitude almost unbelievable. She is everyone's dream bridesmaid. However, her dream of being a bride is delayed, and she pines over a man who does not return her affection.

In some ways, the plot is startlingly like my own. I'm twenty-five. I love weddings and children, and I desire to get married someday. Yes, I am the stereotypical Christian girl. (Side note: is it weird that I still consider myself a "girl" and not a woman?)

My friends who are my age are all getting married and having children, and it can be challenging to still be single. I identify with Jane's (Katherine Heigl's character) frustration when her younger sister plans to be married before Jane even has the chance. Although none of my sisters are on the wedding track yet (thank goodness, they're all too young), I can imagine that one of them might easily experience matrimonial bliss before I do.

During the rehearsal dinner, Jane is approached by a well-meaning, sympathetic family member. The older woman says to Jane, "It must be so hard to watch your younger sister get married before you."

Jane's reply? "Yes. Then I remember I still get to have hot hate sex with random strangers, and I feel so much better!"

We as the audience laugh at her response. I've felt her anger! I've been lectured by family members about how I need to hang out around the medical students or engineering students in order to "nab" a man. Sometimes it's tempting to lash out, and I know I haven't always been polite about it. But her reply makes me think.

Our culture has made sex so inconsequential. We make flippant comments like that and instantly demean the incredible and sacred gift God created. Yes, God did create sex. He created it as a gift for married couples to share to bring them closer, to provide pleasure, and to bring forth life. Our world has perverted what was once pure and beautiful.

It may be difficult to wait, but I want God's best for my life. Random liaisons with strangers would rob me of God's best, and I'm not willing to give that up! Maybe God's best for me is to never get married. Of course, I hope that is not the outcome, but single Christian women have to be able to think about it. We have to be able to say, "God, I will choose Your best plan for my life, even if it means I relinquish my dreams. I choose to trust my future to Your hands, and I will love You even if it means I never get to see this hope come to fruition."

Hot hate sex is not an option for me.

The Beginning

My adorable friend Gaby suggested I start a blog. I wasn't sure why at first. I kept thinking, "Who on earth would want to read my thoughts?" But maybe it doesn't have to be for anyone else. Maybe it could just be for me.

I started thinking about the things in my life I am passionate about: God, family, friends, music, and rainy days. My growing relationship with God is especially important to me, and I want to tell the whole world about it. Maybe a blog is a good way to start doing that. Who knows where this thing could go?

Maybe no one will ever read it. Maybe a few people will. The point is that I'm putting my thoughts out there. Not all of them are going to be "right". Not all of them will be politically correct. Some of these thoughts and fancies of mine might change and evolve and grow over time. But some of them are firm within my heart and will never fade or erode or change.

So here goes...