Sex Talk

Sometimes I find that I can have the deepest and most honest conversations with people who don't necessarily agree with me. If we come together with mutual respect, we can offer discussion points about divisive topics without actually being divisive. These kinds of friends are invaluable. Hold on to them!

If you read my last blog, you know that I'm going through a difficult time in my relationship with God. I was struggling with what I have always believed and wondering if I still truly believe it. It's a scary thing to be feeling because I have invested so much of my life in my relationship with God.

I was recently talking with a very dear friend of mine, and a subject arose about which we have differing views: premarital sex. Now, I'm not going to lie and say that I never think about sex. I'm a 26-year-old virgin; of course I think about sex! It's almost impossible not to. We live in a culture in which sex is commonplace. In fact, if you haven't lost your virginity by the age of sixteen, you're considered almost alien. It was amazing, though, how much I learned during our conversation. When I was confronted with someone who felt differently about the situation, I realized how important the topic is to me.

I once attended a party, and my friends were standing around criticizing anyone who was unrealistic enough to try and wait to have sex until marriage. I raised my hand and said, "That would be me!" I remember the awkward and disbelieving looks I received. The host of the party actually called me later to apologize because he felt so awful that my lifestyle choice had received such judgment.

Most of my friends are not Christians. This does not bother me at all. In fact, I cherish their unique viewpoints, and I love the avenues God has opened for me with them. However, it can be difficult to maintain my beliefs when I'm being encouraged on every side to disregard them. I even found myself changing my responses to their questions. Instead of "I want to wait until marriage," it became "I hope I can wait until marriage." Please know that this did not happen right away. It was a gradual wearing away of my defenses. In fact, I was shocked when I first heard myself saying it aloud.

I began to think that maybe I shouldn't wait. After all, I know many married couples who had sex before they were married, and they turned out all right. Maybe I could really consider it if I found someone who I truly loved but wasn't ready to marry. The world has changed, and perhaps I need to change with it. And then I talked to a married woman who hadn't waited. Years later, she still regrets it - not because there was something wrong with her marriage, but because she hurt her heavenly Father. For years, she lived in fear that her daughter would ask her that question: "Did you and Daddy wait?" I don't want to live with that fear. I want to be able to say to my future children, "We did things God's way, and it was worth it."

We live in a world that treats sex as though it is casual. We are inundated with explicit images when we walk through a mall, turn on a television, or go to a movie theater. Even reading the covers of magazines in the grocery store check-out line can cause our minds to be transported to the intimacy of the bedroom.

Author Rob Bell maintains that there are two central attitudes toward sexuality: animals and angels. The animal attitude suggests that we have primal cravings that cannot be denied or helped, so they should be acted upon without hesitation. To the people who think this way, sex is basic biology and pure instinct. On the angel side of it are those people who completely deny the fact that they are sexual beings with desires and urges. Bell says, "Denying and stuffing and repressing never work because it's a failure to acknowledge what is central to being a human being." Both are out of balance with how God intended sexuality to be.

The fact is that humans are different from every other creature in existence. We discuss differences between right and wrong, we can make moral decisions, and we are romantic and idealistic. In the wild, you never see a duck heartbroken over the fact that her boyfriend didn't call after engaging in romantic relations. We are unique because we were created in the image of God Himself.

One of the problems is that we lack a reverence for the very fact that we are created in the image of the living God. We treat our bodies as if they're nothing special, forgetting that God lovingly crafted us from the dust of the earth - shaping, forming, and molding us into a form that was pleasing to Him. In 1 Corinthians 6:19, 20, the apostle Paul writes, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body."

I don't know how much you know about the Bible, but the Jewish temple was a holy place. Only a select few could get past the outer courts and into the place where the manifest presence of God resided. There were intricate ceremonies and rites that had to be performed so that the priest who entered God's presence would not be struck down. Thankfully, we don't have to do this anymore. Jesus' sacrifice on the Cross enabled us to come before the Lord anytime we like. However, to compare our bodies to such a holy place is a huge deal.

Only a few verses before, Paul had said, "'Everything is permissible for me' - but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible for me' - but I will not be mastered by anything" (1 Corinthians 6:12). If everything is permissible, then what's wrong with giving into our sexual urges? The point is that God may not withhold blessings from us because we have sex outside of marriage, but it doesn't mean that it's what He wants for us.

I love what Jason Evert wrote in his book, If You Really Loved Me: "Just because a person is capable of physical intimacy, it does not mean that he or she is capable of the other kinds of intimacy that hold a marriage together. Because sex has the power to bond, the experience may seem wonderful in the initial stages of a relationship and both partners will feel quite 'compatible.' But think about a couple you know who has been married for fifty years. They are sitting there on the front porch swing, smiling with all their wrinkles at each other. Do you think it is because they are so sexually compatible? They are still together because they have been refined by the fires of love, not burnt by the counterfeits of lust."

I understand that not everyone is going to agree with me. Whether you do or not, I hope that you come to view sex as more than just an incidental connection. I know that I desire God's best for my life. I'm willing to put my own desires on hold so that I can fulfill God's plan. According to 1 Corinthians 13, love is not self-seeking. When I do have sex, it won't be because I'm looking for self-gratification because I can't control my inclinations any longer. I'm holding out for something that is infinitely better: authentic love based upon self-sacrifice, mutual respect and admiration, and a sense of connection that goes deeper than just the physical.





Works used:

Bell, Rob. (2007). Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections Between Sexuality and Spirituality. Michigan: Zondervan.

Evert, Jason. (2004). If You Really Loved Me. California: Catholic Answers, Inc.

Confession

When I created this blog, I resolved to be as honest as I possibly could about my walk with God. In the interest of being completely transparent, I must confess something: I'm struggling.

One thing I hear over and over from my friends is that I am very put together. I project an image of total confidence, and everyone thinks I have it all figured out.

I don't.

If you've been reading my blog for any period of time, you probably know that I've been feeling like I'm in a waiting room. I would keep saying, "I choose to trust You, I choose to love You, I choose to serve You." Well, I got frustrated. I got tired. And I got impatient.

Sometimes I feel like my life has been almost nothing but trying times. I know that I'm blessed beyond measure with my family, but I've also seen my family struggle financially for my entire life. I know that God heals, and yet my sister has had severe knee problems for years. I know that God has good plans for me, but I'm a 26-year-old undergrad who still doesn't know what I want to be when I grow up.

And that's when I begin to sound like a child throwing a tantrum. Things in my life aren't going my way? I think I'll be angry at God for it. There are so many people worse off than I am, so why am I complaining?

I don't believe this invalidates what I feel. Someone else may be walking through much more difficult circumstances, but that doesn't mean that my feelings are not authentic. And I know - even in the midst of my childishness - that God still cares about what I'm feeling.

My dog is very sick. She has a large tumor on her underbelly that just keeps growing. When I left my house yesterday, she could barely even walk because of it. My heart broke for her, and I just sat in my car sobbing. I love my dog, and I can't do a thing to help her. My family doesn't have the money for an operation to save her.

As I wept in my car, I began to think about my love for my dog. She's been a part of my family for a long time, and she's been a sweet and loyal pet. But that's what she is: a pet. As much as I love her, I could never care for her as I care for my siblings and friends. And yet, if I had the means, nothing would stop me from saving her. If I love my dog that much, how much more does my heavenly Father love me?

In Matthew 7:9-11, Jesus says, "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

God crafted humanity from the very dust. He gave His only Son to suffer and die just so that He didn't have to live without me. He has blessed me with an extraordinary family and a collection of friends I cherish. Obviously, He loves me more than I could possibly imagine. What is there in me that still doubts?

Unfortunately, living on this earth won't always be easy. We are reminded over and over that a relationship with God doesn't make life any easier. It just gets harder. It gets harder, but it gets richer. Lamentations 3:22-24 says, "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.'"

So I must resign myself to wait... again.

Once again, I have to choose. I still choose to trust and love and serve, and "I will take refuge in the shadow of Your wings until the disaster has passed" (Psalm 57:1b). It will pass, and I'll come out of this stronger and more sure of my relationship with God than ever. Even though I can't see the end result right now, He can. I will wait.