The Whole Message

A few years ago, I attended Bible college. My goal in going was to equip myself to be able to preach the Word and tell people about Christ. The relationships I made while there have deeply impacted me, and I'm so thankful for the awesome people who have spoken into my life. However, my experiences there were not all good.

The Bible college I attended was heavily focused on living in the blessings of God. There is not anything inherently wrong in that. I do believe that God wants to bless us, but the teaching was so out of balance with the word of God.

The president of the college told us that many of the students left the school more prosperous than when they came. We were told that, if we sowed money into God's work, we would receive a rich harvest in return. If we reap what we sow, then sowing money means we reap more money, right? I was excited about the things of God and immediately accepted whatever I was told. I gave into every offering that was received and tithed on every cent I earned. And I ended up not being able to pay my rent.

The message wasn't limited to money. God's grace and the freedom we have in Him was also a key message. "God loves you! He loves you, He loves you, He loves you, and there's nothing you can do about it!" Again, this is not wrong! We can never out-sin God's grace and love, but this message was not balanced, and it was taken to the extreme. I remember when a guest speaker lectured on ethics in ministry. One of my fellow students was outraged. He wanted to know how these "rules" fit in with the "grace" of God. We had been so focused on the grace of God that we had forgotten what it means to live for Him.

I left Bible college feeling destroyed. My life didn't look like what I thought it was supposed to. I wasn't prosperous (financially). I was being spiritually attacked on all sides. Where were the blessings I was supposed to receive? Why couldn't anything in my life come easily? Most of my friends were being blessed with amazing job offers and living lives that I envied. I was ready to walk away from God, and, for a time, I did.

Because what I was learning was so one-sided, I could not explain what was happening in my life. I felt lost and alone, and I was not properly equipped to handle my circumstances. I wasn't even sure I could talk to my fellow students because I was scared they would think that there was something wrong with my faith.

Now, please hear my heart: I am not putting the blame on my teachers. Most of them are sincere, wonderful men and women of God who live what they teach. Part of the problem was that I too readily believed everything that was taught without studying the Scriptures for myself.

John 16:33 says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (emphasis mine). In this verse, Jesus promises that we will experience troubles in this world. Being a Christian does not mean we get to live an easy life. In fact, living for God is often more difficult that living a secular life because there is an enemy who desperately wants to stop us.

God's grace doesn't give us a license to sin. The standard of grace is actually higher than the standard of the law. For instance, the Old Testament law says, "You shall not commit adultery" (Exodus 20:14), but Jesus informs us that "Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). It is God's grace that empowers us to live a life devoted to Him.

When I focused on the "prosperity" message, I overlooked all the blessings God had so richly poured into my life. When I focused on the "grace" message, I allowed sinful thoughts to enter my mind because I knew that God's grace covered my sin. I was "focusing" myself right into a hardened and ungrateful heart. The message taught wasn't necessarily wrong; it was only one part of the truth.

We cannot just pick and choose what we want to believe in the Bible. Either it is all true, or it is all false. We cannot accept the grace of God and abandon the fear (awe, respect) of God. God does want us to be blessed, but being so intent upon financial blessing to the exclusion of everything else is wrong.

I'm still wading through the aftermath of my time at the Bible college. I'm still hurting from some of the lessons I learned, but I'm working on it. I'm learning to study the Scriptures for myself and find the truth that is embedded in every single word. I'm beginning to let go of the bitterness and anger I have felt for three years toward the college, and I am starting to remember all the amazing things I experienced there.

God is so good to me. He was able to take a wreck of a human being and transform her into a real, whole person. As we used to say at Bible college, "I may not have arrived at my final destination, but at least I've left the air strip!"

Who Wants to be a Pharisee?

This evening, I was listening to a sermon about Jesus and the Pharisees. I've heard that kind of sermon so many times: the Pharisees followed all the rules but missed the spirit behind the rules. Sound familiar? I'd heard it all before. Don't get me wrong - I love the pastor and greatly respect him. I appreciate his point of view and regularly find nuggets of wisdom within his messages. This hearing of the age-old message was no exception.

To the rest of the world, the Pharisees looked great. They had the respect of everyone around them. They appeared to be in close fellowship with the Almighty God... and yet, they missed the most important part. They missed the coming of their Savior, the Messiah.

I began to think of my own life. To others, I'm sure I look great - just like the Pharisees. I don't talk badly about people behind their backs. I don't use swear words. I'm waiting to have sex until marriage. I go to church, and I respect my parents. On the outside, I look good! However, I know my heart. I know the things I think. I know the hidden things that come to mind when no one else can hear and see them.

I want to be completely transparent in this blog, and that's why I'm saying these things to you. Yes, I have cherished anger and unforgiveness. Yes, I have had lustful thoughts. I have let bad thoughts fester in my heart until they almost made me sick. Underneath this seemingly "good" exterior, I have had dark thoughts and feelings.

It would be so easy for me to become prideful in my "outside" life, and, believe me, it's happened! I get so many compliments from other people about what a strong Christian I am and how pure of heart I am. Sometimes I let it go to my head. In fact, it was hard for me to be transparent enough to type out the things I have struggled with. Do you see how much I value my image?

God knows all this about me. He knows every thought that passes through my mind. Nothing in my heart is hidden from Him. He couldn't care less about my outward appearance. And yet, He chooses to forgive me. No matter what I do, I cannot out-sin His grace and love. He loves me even in my sinfulness.

God's love is overwhelming. I know exactly what goes on in my heart, and that makes Christ's love come alive to me all the more. God loves me no matter what, but He also loves me too much to let me reside in my sinfulness.

The truth is, no one wants to be a Pharisee. No one makes a conscious choice to project an image over possessing a pure heart before God. Or, at least, I've never met anyone who does. I don't want to miss something that God is doing because I'm so focused on making myself look good.

For the past few months, I have been on a mission to root out and destroy the things that darken my heart. Although I still have a long way to go, the journey has begun. I know that the path will not be easy, and I will experience stumbles and falls along the way (how cliche does that sound?), but I also know that I desire a close relationship with God more than anything else. I don't want to be a Pharisee.

Chick Flick Thoughts

Right now, I'm watching "27 Dresses" with Katherine Heigl. It's a cute movie - fluffy with very little substance. I love romantic comedies, so, of course, I adore it. There are few "chick flicks" I don't love, in fact, and I'm not ashamed to admit it! (Hides abashed face behind hands.)

For those of you who haven't seen it, the movie is about a woman who has been a bridesmaid twenty-seven times. Her collection of hideous dresses is astonishing and her compliant attitude almost unbelievable. She is everyone's dream bridesmaid. However, her dream of being a bride is delayed, and she pines over a man who does not return her affection.

In some ways, the plot is startlingly like my own. I'm twenty-five. I love weddings and children, and I desire to get married someday. Yes, I am the stereotypical Christian girl. (Side note: is it weird that I still consider myself a "girl" and not a woman?)

My friends who are my age are all getting married and having children, and it can be challenging to still be single. I identify with Jane's (Katherine Heigl's character) frustration when her younger sister plans to be married before Jane even has the chance. Although none of my sisters are on the wedding track yet (thank goodness, they're all too young), I can imagine that one of them might easily experience matrimonial bliss before I do.

During the rehearsal dinner, Jane is approached by a well-meaning, sympathetic family member. The older woman says to Jane, "It must be so hard to watch your younger sister get married before you."

Jane's reply? "Yes. Then I remember I still get to have hot hate sex with random strangers, and I feel so much better!"

We as the audience laugh at her response. I've felt her anger! I've been lectured by family members about how I need to hang out around the medical students or engineering students in order to "nab" a man. Sometimes it's tempting to lash out, and I know I haven't always been polite about it. But her reply makes me think.

Our culture has made sex so inconsequential. We make flippant comments like that and instantly demean the incredible and sacred gift God created. Yes, God did create sex. He created it as a gift for married couples to share to bring them closer, to provide pleasure, and to bring forth life. Our world has perverted what was once pure and beautiful.

It may be difficult to wait, but I want God's best for my life. Random liaisons with strangers would rob me of God's best, and I'm not willing to give that up! Maybe God's best for me is to never get married. Of course, I hope that is not the outcome, but single Christian women have to be able to think about it. We have to be able to say, "God, I will choose Your best plan for my life, even if it means I relinquish my dreams. I choose to trust my future to Your hands, and I will love You even if it means I never get to see this hope come to fruition."

Hot hate sex is not an option for me.