Confession

When I created this blog, I resolved to be as honest as I possibly could about my walk with God. In the interest of being completely transparent, I must confess something: I'm struggling.

One thing I hear over and over from my friends is that I am very put together. I project an image of total confidence, and everyone thinks I have it all figured out.

I don't.

If you've been reading my blog for any period of time, you probably know that I've been feeling like I'm in a waiting room. I would keep saying, "I choose to trust You, I choose to love You, I choose to serve You." Well, I got frustrated. I got tired. And I got impatient.

Sometimes I feel like my life has been almost nothing but trying times. I know that I'm blessed beyond measure with my family, but I've also seen my family struggle financially for my entire life. I know that God heals, and yet my sister has had severe knee problems for years. I know that God has good plans for me, but I'm a 26-year-old undergrad who still doesn't know what I want to be when I grow up.

And that's when I begin to sound like a child throwing a tantrum. Things in my life aren't going my way? I think I'll be angry at God for it. There are so many people worse off than I am, so why am I complaining?

I don't believe this invalidates what I feel. Someone else may be walking through much more difficult circumstances, but that doesn't mean that my feelings are not authentic. And I know - even in the midst of my childishness - that God still cares about what I'm feeling.

My dog is very sick. She has a large tumor on her underbelly that just keeps growing. When I left my house yesterday, she could barely even walk because of it. My heart broke for her, and I just sat in my car sobbing. I love my dog, and I can't do a thing to help her. My family doesn't have the money for an operation to save her.

As I wept in my car, I began to think about my love for my dog. She's been a part of my family for a long time, and she's been a sweet and loyal pet. But that's what she is: a pet. As much as I love her, I could never care for her as I care for my siblings and friends. And yet, if I had the means, nothing would stop me from saving her. If I love my dog that much, how much more does my heavenly Father love me?

In Matthew 7:9-11, Jesus says, "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

God crafted humanity from the very dust. He gave His only Son to suffer and die just so that He didn't have to live without me. He has blessed me with an extraordinary family and a collection of friends I cherish. Obviously, He loves me more than I could possibly imagine. What is there in me that still doubts?

Unfortunately, living on this earth won't always be easy. We are reminded over and over that a relationship with God doesn't make life any easier. It just gets harder. It gets harder, but it gets richer. Lamentations 3:22-24 says, "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.'"

So I must resign myself to wait... again.

Once again, I have to choose. I still choose to trust and love and serve, and "I will take refuge in the shadow of Your wings until the disaster has passed" (Psalm 57:1b). It will pass, and I'll come out of this stronger and more sure of my relationship with God than ever. Even though I can't see the end result right now, He can. I will wait.