Through the Valley of Shadow and Death

It has been a long time since I last posted.  Since my last post, I've graduated from college, accepted a teaching position at a high school, and been on a turbulent roller coaster of emotions.  I've experienced dizzying highs and abysmal lows.  My heart has quickened with the feelings of love and devotion and has broken when they were taken away.  Over the past few months, I have loved, lost, rejoiced, and wept.  And God has been there through it all.

I do not always act the way I should.  I have failed when faced with temptation.  I sometimes - even with the best intentions - hurt those I love.  As much as I'd love to be the perfect Christian example, I often meet with disaster in spectacular fashion.

Sometimes I let the guilt and grief overwhelm me.  The darts of the enemy find their way underneath my armor and pierce my heart until I am almost conquered.  It is at these times that I must cling tightly to what I know is true.  It is now when I must hold fast, even when it appears that there is nothing to which I can hold.

I know that God is never angry at me.  His love and goodness inundate me and engulf me during my darkest moments.  It is when I fall that He shows Himself more powerful and present in my life than I could ever possibly imagine.  It is when I am at my weakest that He is at His strongest.  When I have nothing left, He replenishes me.

I once opened a fortune cookie to find in it the phrase, "The usefulness of a cup is found only in its emptiness."  It became the phrase that has illustrated my past few months so perfectly.  When everything is going well, I tend to fall into the trap of feeling self-sufficient.  I do not depend upon my heavenly Father as much as I need to.  Inevitably, something goes wrong, and I fall apart.

Please hear my heart: I am not saying that God caused these things to happen in my life to make me realize how much I need Him.  Any situation that pained me was a natural consequence to choices I made, but God never abandoned me.  In fact, I believe that He kept me from completely ruining myself, although I couldn't see it at the time.  I now can see His faithfulness evident in everything I experienced.  In every tear, in every throb of my aching heart, He was surrounding me with His love, peace, and comfort.  He moved my friends to action - praying for me and helping me stand when I could not on my own.  He is and always has been more than I could ever need or want.

Now I empty myself.  I empty myself of the guilt and the shame for which He has already forgiven me.  Once again, I surrender myself to God.  I cede my plans to my Father who only has the best in mind for me.  I embrace His nature, His love, and His design.  I may have to walk this road for a time, and I know there will be opportunities for me to fail again, but I have to keep walking.  Every day is a choice: a choice to do things God's way rather than my own.  I've experienced my way, and it's not worth it.  So I'll just keep walking.